AN ORDINARY NIGHT IN TORONTO (Chapter I from the biography of "LAZAR - from a farm to Hollywood")
My name is Lazar. Lazar Rajić. The son of Stevka Prodanović, a woman with a restless spirit, who died during childbirth. I was only three years old. My father told me that the volcano in her soul did not give her peace, just like me. With her second-born son in her arms, whose cry no one heard, she went to the special chambers of heaven, where young people go. I am the son of Miroslav Rajić, a railway supervisor in Sombor. He was both my father and mother. I loved him more than anything in the world. But he didn't believe in me. And that hurt.
Grandson of Dada and Lazar.
Brother of Stevan.
Husband and best friend of Mona Rheauma, who left her acting dreams to me.
Then, the actor Lazar Rockwood, who, after many ups and downs, achieved the American dream.
Now, after so many years, only LAZAR.***
This night is quite ordinary. I come home before dawn. The streetlights of Toronto remind me of spotlights and cameras that follow me closely. There is no better feeling. The snow, heavy and wet, squeaks under my cowboy boots. From the treasury of memories, they appear as ghosts of the winter of my childhood. How would these boots look in the calm, tame plain? Nohow! The peasant was not made for a cowboy.
Toronto is my city. However, I sometimes wonder if I got lost here and came to someone else's place, or if I am on my own after more than forty years. Is this my home or is my home the whole world? I belong to everyone and I belong to no one. I know that when the day will surely come, and whether this or some other land covers me, it won't matter to me or everyone else. I just know that when you leave your home for the first time, you can go anywhere. I brought photos from which I usually turn my head away so that they don't touch my heart more than they should. Once in a while, I dust the album so that my thoughts don't escape to my childhood. Because I learned to look forward. I have nowhere to go back. I admit, I had a choice. I chose the distance which suits me best. That is Canada.
Since I found out about the world, I didn't have a mother. My memories do not reach her. I was too young, but the images my soul created are so real that she seems seen and remembered. Then the emptiness becomes even greater, and the sadness comes in like a tide. Who knows, maybe she would have tied me to the home, so even today I would be walking the streets of Sombor, while the American nettle, called Bođoš, would tremble above my head like old boys in front of the eyes of young girls. She would look after my unborn children. Maybe...
Only the one who grew up with such emptiness in his heart knows what a bottomless abyss it is. An abyss that is so gaping and constantly pulling me down that only a great desire, a great dream can be an escape from such harsh reality. That lack of a mother, a being who loves you unconditionally, has followed me all my life. And I have no one to blame for that because that’s just how it was supposed to be. You get a cross at birth and you wear it as long as you live. When I was young that cross was too heavy for me, but I got used to it over time. Sometimes its weight would make my breath stop, and it still stops, and from that place in my soul where my mother was supposed to be, the one I imagined in my dreams, silence echoes.
The Indians told me to listen to the wind, or what the wind says. What winds forced me to leave, to run away, whispering that Sombor and Yugoslavia were too small for me. I wanted to see everything, to try everything, so that life would not pass by me. I didn't want to learn about life, I wanted to live life. If I were to describe where I went, with whom I hung out, and what experiences I gained, it would take a long time. I don't know what other people's experiences are. I know the most important thing, and that is - from a young age I did all kinds of jobs, but only wanted and dreamed of one thing - to become and last as an ACTOR. I would say the following to anyone who wants to make their dream come true: - There is no waste of energy. Focus all the power of thoughts on only one desire. Don't confuse the Universe with more than one. When you know what you want, then the whole Universe tries to fulfill your wish.
You are either born with or not, a constant need and a clear feeling that you have to become "someone" in life. I believe that relatives and many friends do not understand my life, nor my lack of interest in material wealth when value is solely determined by money. From the Indians, I learned that less is more and that life is incredibly easier living that way. You worry less. Great wealth is a burden and a worry.
It doesn't bother me being different, that my desires are different. That I don't fit in with friends, relatives, or neighbors. I don't mind them living different lives. Such lives are not interesting to me. Sometimes I look selfish, that's what they tell me, but if you want to achieve something - you have to be selfish! I didn't step over anyone, but I left everything that could be a hindrance on my way to the goal. That's how you rise to the surface or sink. There is no third. I endured the hardest jobs, even working in a mine, just because I had a goal. I was aware that the money I made would be used to cover the overpriced tuition at Lee Strasberg's acting school, The Lee Strasberg Theater & Film Institute. The measure of success is different. The highest peak of my success was my father's statement after watching a film that was shown on national television, in which I had the lead role:
- Look, he really did become an actor! I lost the bet.
He did not believe that I would be able to live from acting. I proved him wrong. Now I am calm regarding the future. Completely calm. Is there anything more beautiful than that? Darkness is thickest before dawn. Before sunrise, I entered my small apartment. With a glance, I send off and greet all the dear faces from the photos on the walls. I fall asleep with the hope that those who would have deported me as an emigrant to the country from which I left as a nineteen-year-old boy, buying a one-way ticket with someone else's money, will not visit me again tonight.